A Baby Sister

” The fear of losing a loved one, a sister at that is the worst fear imaginable, for me, it didn’t cause me to cry uncontrollably, like a baby when they are tired after a long day, instead it made me think. First my mind seemed frantic, asking why her, why did this have to happen to her when she was trying so hard to live and had her life ahead of her! Then a darkness overtook my thoughts, like a cloud it fogged up my mind with dark thoughts and caused my eyes to swell with tears and my body to tense like a icy cold rock. I stared into space, contemplating my very life without my sister around, the deepest darkest secret that I’m not proud of thinking about, nor am I comfortable accepting that at one point these thoughts did run through my head, but they did. They churned around my mind like a swarm of bees until my head pounded with so much force that I went limp; sitting in my room as I remembered all the moments we had together; It was like my body had shut down after I heard her utter the words, “I shouldn’t have even made it passed 18.”  The memory played over and over in my head like a broken record player as I waited for my mother to call back. Then suddenly my mind began to imagine what had happened to her that put her in the hospital, the car she drove in totaled to the point you couldn’t recognize it anymore. Astonishment at the fact she would allow herself to drink that much and still drive wrapped itself around me, and before I could totally drown in my thoughts of what could have happened and fears of the future, my phone rings. My mother was the one calling; I didn’t want to answer with the fear of what happened eating away at me, but I pushed myself anyway and listened as my mom explained what had happened that night. My sister had drove intoxicated, not knowing where she was going but knowing she was in a car, she had ran over multiple cement cones that caused her car to wreck, and to make matters worse I found out for the first time in my life that my sister had snorted something up while in the car. Till this day I still have no clue what it was. My mom kept some things from me that night, that in fact she didn’t crash from the intoxication nor the drugs, but in fact she had died from an over dose in the car and had to be resuscitated at the scene. My sister didn’t have a experience that caused her to change her ways, as later I found out she occasionally does coke and heroin, but still till this day she lies and battles anyone who stands in her way of what her addiction craves. I’ve had to learn that even a sister will manipulate her own baby sister for her addiction and not think twice of her actions. Addictions can take life’s and make you realize things that a 12 year old shouldn’t have to realize or think about, and now that I’m 18 and make my own opinions I’ve realized this. The hardest part of knowing that my sister is an addict is not knowing when she will go over board, and not knowing if it will be her last time, the fear constantly grips my thoughts and scares me, even as I begin to make a life for myself and worry about my own problems. “

– a baby sister